Testimony Thursday

Hello lovelies, today I share a testimony of a friend Jennifer (Lady Jay).

It is a timely message even though quite lengthy…

I want to tell you that no matter who you, are you don’t need men’s approval to be validated by God, He already knows your name and you are His priceless possession.

Read and be blessed🙏

This is her testimony in her own words…no edits…

“Proportionate Pain”

The extra pounds were not my problem, it belonged to them. They abhorred my weight, the sound of my voice must have sounded like wild jackals howling at the night.

 I was despised; this was middle school for me. The rampant taunts, “On your march, get set, turkey neck,” followed me to the crack house and beyond. How could I be disliked to this point? What is wrong with me, I thought, as I devoured lunch in the rusty bathroom stall.

Food tastes great among toilet bowls. The toilet did not call me fat and ugly. Respectfully, the toilet bowls were in close observation as I ravenously ate my lunch. 

Janitor, what’s his name, was kind to accompany the rejected of the school. There was the one in the group, we secretly had sex, whilst he returned to tormenting me with his friends the very next day. I deserved it. I deserved emotional and verbal abuse. Deconstructively criticized, I was unacceptable, according to my peers, who I gave supreme authority over my worth.

Self-hatred became my modus operandi. Healthy behaviors were not second nature as I felt unworthy of completing, finishing, striving, even living. The bullying led to sex for approval. Without dad around it was the only way I could get a man to validate me. Intercourse was always a confirming action. “Aha! I am good enough, someone chose to have sex with me.” These guys were adults, of course, I was in puberty. 

They would take advantage of my innocence, low self-esteem, and the need for approval. I, in turn, used their manliness to fill the void that only God could fill. Shockingly, I did not have to sell my body to gain value; I already had value. I am priceless, yet I remained for sale.

Drugs fixed that inhibition issue. I knew something was not right with these men. Marijuana and alcohol are great at drowning out the voice of reason. 

Quickly I realized I had a high tolerance for substances of all kinds. How high could I get? Setting unwritten goals to escape as much of reality as possible, I sojourned to numb the pain, the voices of the bullies, and skew the image that I saw when I looked in the mirror. I wasn’t cute enough, pretty eyes, but not enough.

Tired of dodging my mom, I finally just left home. Running, far away from what? A loving home, provision for needs and wants, no, I ran from my inadequacy. 

In the underworld of Baltimore City, I no longer was awkward, fat, and ugly. Rather I was the girl that could do things. You know, things. My value was so closely attached to sex that without sex, I had no identity. The men broke my heart too many times, and I wanted to be liberated.

Sex with girls. I lived with a girl for 4 years. She used her troubled childhood to control me with guilt because I was raised in a loving family. Inked all over with her inscription; I knew better but I had no real value to myself, so anything was permissible. 

The glorious day I turned 21, my career as a dancer began. Not ballet, or contemporary, the kind where you get drunk and naked while guys throw money at you. The attention from the men was everything I desired. She stayed home and waited for me to provide for us, how sweet.
Eventually, I realized her crustacean nature and ditched the relationship but not the urge to be with another woman. This girl, I wanted her so bad. Clueless to the fact that she sniffed cocaine more than she breathed. We began getting high together. ‘The drug gave me the energy and pseudo confidence I craved. It wasn’t long before I was strung out.
Next, comes a delightful prison sentence. This is the crux of my new life. I faintly heard a voice calling me out of the “deathstyle” I was living. 

I realized that if I did not turn to God the only future I had was the dirt, mental ward, or lock. I preferred my freedom but didn’t know how to live free.

God gently took my hand and led me to safety. I feasted on his words day and night. Eventually, I accepted the mental disorder I was diagnosed with at 15 and I began taking my medication for Bipolar. Reading, perusing, studying, I never stopped to doubt. All I could do was believe God and His word. My only hope was in Him. 

The dope dealer boyfriend I acquired prior to my arrest, let’s just say I relieved him of his duties. I desired more. I tasted Jesus and was hungry for more.

Gradually I began to see the beauty that God, mom, and family members saw in me. Okay so I’m beautiful, and out of the destructive relationship, but what about the scars. While living the street life, I’d been raped, shot, convicted, branded, and abused. My scars were so deep only Jesus could touch them. When I gave Him my attention and complete trust, in turn, He gave me His peace and love. 

Needless to say, life has never been the same.

Today, I am a wife, mother, author, minister, and poet. Facilitating meetings that encompass emotional recovery from childhood scars, I triumph. My marriage alone is another story. See, we both have been abused emotionally and physically. Two hurt people trying to love each other. Break up after break up, today with complete obedience and submission to God, I am his PEST. I Pray, Encourage, am Silent, and i give it Time. We’ve been married for 6 years and separated for 3.5. Victoriously we are back on the saddle growing in love.

Our son is Autistic. We both research and learn how to best teach him and care for his needs. Previously I noted how I never considered myself valuable. Well, that mindset applied to my gifts and talents also. However, I put that lie to the test and chose to invest in what God blessed me with. I actually get paid to write. Minimizing my talents and maximizing my flaws was my normal course of action. Enough! I decided that if God took interest in me. I would take interest in myself.
I have an Associates degree in Human Services, creeping up on my Bachelors degree in Social Work and Psychology at UMBC. Writing whenever I have the opportunity, either for release or hire; success and I are friends. Employment involves helping others with similar disabilities, difficulties, or trauma. Later for self-hatred, daily I strive to love myself the way Jesus loves me, and somehow I have a better self-esteem.

I hope this testimony spoke volumes to you, Jesus is the only one who can add value to our lives, not any created being.

You can also share your story to bless lives via Papberryofficial@gmail.com.


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